i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
