I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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