She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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