FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
