Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Girls should come with a carfax report
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
