I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Randomize
