The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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