Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
