I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
