Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i drank out of a bidet.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
