if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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