Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
