Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
