I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
