I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
