do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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