omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
All I want is dick and wine.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
