They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
