i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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