There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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