This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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