Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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