we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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