Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
