you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
