I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize