sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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