I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
