The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I made him laugh his dick is mine
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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