He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
