She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
