My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
