I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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