I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
