remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
