A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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