you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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