they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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