Your face is a jimmy john
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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