he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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