Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
