My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
