So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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