He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
