I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
