so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
