So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
