Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
