im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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