know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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