you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Randomize
