I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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