the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
