Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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