My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
should my penis look like a turkey
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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