So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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