TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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