What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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