The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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