I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
