there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
